The Light in the Heart

As many months have passed since I last wrote anything like this, I will start by saying, it's very hard for me to be doing this—to decide to open up and share with you all not only the journey, but also the results of a process that began virtually since I can remember. A road that brought me where I am today, one I could call a road of remembering.

This is perhaps a bit of impostor syndrome and thoughts like... who am I to say anything? I have felt this way for a long time, purely because I do strongly believe that we are drops in the ocean, we know only so little, and are equipped only with the perspectives our mind and awareness allow. In this sense, I found Vadim Zeland's (Quantum Physicist and Mystic, author of Transurfing Reality) comments on this inspiring, especially when he talks about how

"Ants have never seen the sky!"

Ants can only see what's in front of them, which means they have never seen trees, the stars, or anything that's above their heads! So, when we begin to consider what's real, what the world looks like, what is true and what is false, I can agree with Zeland in saying that we don't truly know... we can only report what we perceive, our perspectives, experiences and impressions.

So, why share what I am about to share now? Because I found this journey and this work made a real difference in my life. I can see I went from a place where I felt completely powerless, in the hands of a cruel fate, to a place where I understand just a bit more, a place where I found connection, knowing and knowledge.

The Soul Within

Since I can remember, I have always had a distinct feeling of my soul. I can feel her as I can feel this is who I am. It's difficult to explain it in words, aside from saying that, when I connect with this feeling, I perceive a sense of eternity, a sense that I have existed since the beginning of time.

It's almost like seeing myself from outside the body, remembering I came to inhabit this 'shell', but with a connection to what 'allowed me' to come into this body in the first place.

From this space, I feel the length of time I have lived in a body at one point or another, but that the life in those bodies wasn't really me, but rather a coming into being under those guises, sometimes choosing to forget my real self, sometimes with more awareness.

Why Share This?

I know time is precious for all of us, so I am only mentioning all this because this memory, and this feeling, is what connects most of the dots—where I am coming from and how the road to remembering the light developed into what I am calling Memory of Light.

A Breakdown and the Emergence of Spirit

When I was in my early twenties, I experienced a terrible mental breakdown. I am calling it a breakdown as it was one of the toughest, most terrible times of my life. More than when my father died, more than the trauma I experienced before then, more than anything else I can remember.

I had just finished high school, and I decided I wanted to study filmmaking in England. The resources in the family, however, were limited, so I found myself unable to follow this dream (yet). I had been looking forward to this for years, and the idea had kept me going during high school, an experience that proved incredibly difficult for me. Not because of the academic aspect, but because after the death of my father when I was fourteen, I simply didn't feel able to show up, to be surrounded by others, to have to continually prove myself in the incredibly tough and cruel Italian schooling system. A system where pupils are constantly tested, brought to their limits with exams, inhumane amounts of homework and expectations.

When my father died, although our relationship had been difficult for many reasons, his death was a huge knife to the heart for me. I felt very attached to him, as I knew, on a deep level, we understood each other more than anyone else could.

So, as I was faced with the inability to leave for the UK, I felt my whole world had fallen apart. I had no idea that this is usually a good sign...that often, this is simply the 'slate' being cleaned, life getting rid of what we don't need anymore, to make space for the new.

Something I know now but couldn't imagine back then. I felt completely alone, lost. And although I had many people around me who were there to help and support me, nothing felt like help. This is when I first started to experience the connection to Spirit, and more precisely, God.

Calling God

I remember sitting in my mother's kitchen, being overwhelmed by panic. As everyone around me would try to console me, I'd close my eyes and I'd simply invoke God. In those moments, I'd feel overcome by a sense of peace. I'd feel His presence like you can feel your mother caressing your face when you're a baby.

In those moments, I'd feel His touch. I'd feel His presence so vividly, and I'd know that he truly was the Father. Not so much in a religious sense, but in the sense of the Creator, my Creator, a light that is always available to me, and that when called upon, it will always answer. This presence was all that I had, and it is also what 'saved me'. When I'd pray in my mind and invoke this energy, I'd feel my heart fill with hope... but perhaps more than hope... it was more like a knowing. He was answering in my mind and to my heart: "I am here", all is well. And that's when I'd know...one day, I'd be okay, all the fear and suffering was only temporary, there was a space beyond all this.

The Light Within

As I embarked on one of the things I am most grateful for in my life, my spiritual path, I look back and see the phases of how it all unfolded. This light never left me, but during the years I explored different ways, different teachings, different modalities. Some more connected, some less.

As I progressed on the path of learning healing, I found myself exploring Barbara Brennan's school, Esther Hicks, Neale Donald Walsch, methods like Theta Healing, belief reprogramming, and during the latest years, Emotion and Body Codes. Why? Because my single most important goal in life has always been to heal.

I believed this was necessary because without the work, I imagined I would have had to live a 'lesser' life, one filled with pain and suffering. Something I was sure I didn't want to experience. However, as I proceeded, I felt less and less connected. It wasn't so much a loss of connection with myself, but more a sense of disconnection with that original feeling of connection and presence.

The Catholic Imprint

Let me explain! Although I don't quite associate with my Catholic background, one thing I can thank it for is connection. Yes, the idea of going to church and looking at Christ on the cross is pretty much alienating and scary. Yes, the teachings on suffering also bring you far away from what can be perceived as spiritual connection.

However, the invitation was there. The question was:

"Are you willing to connect with Me?"

What 'Me' means or meant was the question. Back then it was about this God that sits on His throne and that lives above our heads. But if we look at it closely, at the pointing fingers in Michelangelo's paintings, or even in Caravaggio we notice the small hint... "Are you willing to connect with Me?" I now understand the phrase "The Kingdom of God is Within You" - the key phrase in Luke 17:21. Those fingers are pointing towards you, those fingers are pointing at your heart. The only question left unanswered is what what Me really means!

The Drying of the Original Feeling

As I continued with my learning all these modalities to release fears, reprogram the subconscious, release trapped emotions, re-consider my relationship to God, to the world and to reality, I felt all these practices were 'drying'. They were taking me away from my original feeling, and this connection I had set about understanding and exploring.

It took me many years to understand why, and the reason, which I am going to share with you here, shocked me to my core—it meant I had to re-consider everything, re-organise my entire understanding and path.

We Are Perfect as We Are

Once, I was having a conversation with a friend who said: “to heal means to make whole". At the time, it made perfect sense. At the time, I was convinced the reason things weren't going right was... me.

Following many healing schools and modalities, I believed my beliefs, life experiences and understanding of the world were the problem. So, I set about healing myself, or, in other terms, getting rid of all this 'junk' that was weighing me down, stopping me from achieving my goals. I thought... of course I am the problem, it makes so much sense! What else would it be!?And so I kept digging, trying out and learning new methods... it seemed to never end.

Then, one day, my mother informed me she had listened to a talk by Luca Nali, a renowed Italian writer and Transurfing Reality teacher, and that I should listen to it at once. She knew I wanted to start my own healing practice and open up more about all this, so she insisted this talk would help me with some very useful ideas. I said yes and... as it goes... I left it.

However, every week she would mention it, and ask if I had listened to the talk yet. At some point, she accepted I would not do it right away and left it. However, sure enough, a few months later, she asked again.

Each time she invited me to watch it, I'd feel a sort of anxiety. Like a feeling I HAD to do it but also a deep sense of fear... what will happen if I do? Perhaps the deepest parts of myself knew this talk was going to challenge me... that it would be a turning point. Something I feared because it likely meant a jump into the unknown.

However, finally, one day, when I was having a horrible time at the office, I said to myself: why not, what do I have to lose?

I opened my laptop and played the video. This was the beginning of the end and—the beginning of my return Home.

Returning Home

The talk was about something called Transurfing. I won't go into too much depth about this here, but all I will say is that it completely shifted my mind, gave me a powerful shake, and allowed me to finally see one more piece of the puzzle, connect some more dots. But most importantly, return to my Heart.

Up until then, I thought the problem was me... that I had to change myself, get rid of those vices that were filling my life with problems. Those beliefs, those trapped emotions... I thought the pain I was feeling was because of those problems that were pestering me and my life, that unless I solved those I would never be able to truly feel well and happy, or reach my goals.

But, as I started to connect with Zeeland's work, I was left asking myself this question: is it possible that your Heart is already perfect? That you already have everything you need inside yourself? This changed everything. The pain from my heart went, and so did all the fear, the anxiety, the insecurity... the overwhelming urge to heal myself (fix myself). So many major problems in my life disappeared and space was made for my heart and what my heart was longing for.

However, this is a story for another chapter—for yes, Zeeland's work helped me to understand my relationship to reality, but most importantly, re-positioned me on the path to my Heart.

The Light Within

As I allowed myself to ask this vital question, I also began to feel an urge to change the way I was connecting with Spirit. Up until that point, I perceived this connection to be somewhat 'distant'. Yes, I enjoyed and loved linking in with guides, angels, light beings etc., but always felt something was missing. As I began to connect with the Heart I also found myself going back to the original question: "Are you ready to connect with ME?" I felt the answer was YES, and that I finally got it, I finally understood what the question really meant.

I kept hearing Zeeland's words when he says “God is not somewhere outside of yourself, God is inside you!” This made sense to me as it matched most spiritual teachings and what I had learnt thus far. The problem was I realised I didn't quite get it. I understood it and accepted it intellectually, but not in an embodied way. This, however, was about to change.

I remember speaking to Spirit and saying, “Help me. I want to understand this more. I feel that all the healing I am doing isn't getting to the core, isn't cutting it.” This was because, each time I'd connect, it was all about linking in with Spirit or God as an external presence. Theta goes into the 7th plane of existence, where God is. The Guides exist in the 4th plane and so on.

One question was left unanswered: where do I exist!? And where does my Spirit exist?

As I asked these questions, I found myself feeling a change. Every time I'd try to connect outward, I felt some sort of resistance. Like, I wasn't able to do it, or it was wrong. Then, while attending my Tuesday circles with Shirley Battie, my channelling mentor and dear friend, something started to happen.

Every time I'd start to connect I would be thrown into the opposite direction. When asked to connect with Spirit, I'd see myself being dropped inside myself, like a drop falling back into the ocean. I'd see myself becoming smaller and smaller, falling like a particle into the abyss and depths of the atom, shrinking further and further.

I remember shrinking and feeling I was falling into this God Energy and asking: “What's beyond being this small... being an atom... being the Light?” I remember hearing the answer... “There are worlds beyond words... there is more to this than you can imagine.” As I fell into being... I felt I was becoming one with the Cosmos. I felt I was merging with God.

This was a powerful experience, one I had before but not quite to this extent. This happened over and over. I would meditate and I would see myself falling within. Each time, I'd come back feeling incredibly charged, super-powered.

The Click

I, however, continued going on with my life, with the same question going through my mind: how can I connect more? There is something missing.

Then, one day, as I was listening to Zeeland's book for the hundredth time... I accidentally clicked on the chapter where he talks about Energy... and there I was again listening to the same words: “God is not somewhere outside of yourself, God is inside you!”

I will never forget this day... I was driving down a country lane... fully immersed in the experience. I listened to those words as I was busy asking myself all these fundamental questions. And then it clicked... “God is not somewhere outside of yourself, God is inside you!” I felt an immediate urge to do it there and then.

Going within... I connected to my heart and called upon God as the presence inside myself. It was the single most powerful moment in my spiritual life.

Suddenly, all sense of doubt and insecurity fell away. I felt pulled back, powerfully and profoundly, to the original feeling of my soul. But more than that... I felt pulled back to the original feeling of being ME. And there it was, the question: “Are you ready to connect with ME?”

Memory of Light – Finding My Way Home

From that moment on, everything changed. I learned to connect with the light within, and as I did, my spiritual connection became ever stronger. I began to be guided into this connection. Understand it, explore it and understand how to 'use' it.

I started to be guided on how to fall within the light within and 'activate' this memory on a conscious level. But more than that, I also learned how to re-frame the understanding of healing as a process of remembering rather than fixing and changing myself. Each time I'd connect I would feel and experience this perfection. Through this experience, I understood the meaning of “we are already perfect,” and that the Heart already has everything it needs. It also helped me to really get the meaning of 'God is already within you'.

Feeling and experiencing this Divine presence within allowed me to understand from a practical, empirical perspective that we are indeed already whole, but most importantly, that we can access this light, that this 'Particle of God' exists within and can be felt, used, understood. It is the motive force of the Cosmos. It already has the answer to all the equations. It is all-knowing, eternal and everlasting. It is who we are as Original Thought; it is our key to the universe and ourselves. It is there, all the time, and all it needs is for us to connect.

This doesn't mean we are perfect in the 'human' sense of the word. It only means we do already have all we need, just like a seed already has all it needs to exist and function as a seed. This essence is what connects us with the Cosmos—it is separation and union at the same time. It is us existing as the seed and becoming the Tree as we interact with the rest of the Ocean. As a drop we are separate but one at the same time.

Clearing the Dust

At times, however, I'd still feel I was suffering from negative beliefs, trapped feelings, and I'd see the relevance of all I had learned on healing layers of our beings on an emotional, spiritual, psychological but also astral level—on the level of past lives, family relationships, societal inherited behaviours, patterns, but also the way trauma affects the body on a cellular, musculo-skeletal, physical level.

So there I was asking the question: how does it all fit together? I continued to allow myself to be guided and as I continued to practice going within, I also began to realise that, like the Sun, the light can never be truly obscured. As humans, we often assign great meaning to beliefs, ideas, even trauma. But, could it be that, in the great scheme of things, nothing really matters? Could it be that those layers don't need all the work we think we need to do to release them? We often consider the subconscious mind as something inaccessible, and those beliefs to be an integrative part of it. We think that to change, we must make great effort, do hard work, get to a core we can't quite define with any level of precision.

I thus felt guided to change my perspective and and to consider that all these are NOT flaws or problems but rather layers of dust. Like dust on a shelf, they can be released—gently, lovingly, but most importantly... easily!

Memory of Light – The Book and Beyond

In the process of going within, we can learn to release these fears, beliefs, emotions, all the while learning to return Home... or rather... remembering!

So this is what I am excited to share in my upcoming Book: Memory of Light – Finding your way home - Learning to remember the Light within. This book will explain the method, as well as talking about each of the layers we can address to heal ourselves from within.

It will talk about how to recognise each layer and work intuitively (but in a structured way) to release and restore the Memory of Light. This book will be for practitioners but also for those who wish to do it on themselves.

I will likely pair this with an in-person course, where we will use structured applied energy medicine modalities to identify areas to address and the use of the method I am developing and proposing.

I am also excited to see how this will integrate with the amazing practice of Traditional Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture, especially in healing trauma.